The way you are grown

Hey there,

I had promised I would continue this blog in English for you guys I've left in Eugene (and also for people here that can read English, there's a bunch of them :) ).

I am not very talkative right now because I am in the middle of a change, in my life but also in myself.

When I went back, I thought that all I had to do would be to pour some pieces of what I have learned to be in Eugene, into my daily regular French life, in order to obtain a nice mixture. Well, I was wrong. Everything I do, every single thought, I see eveything now as if I was out of my body. I observe myself.

In Eugene, or let's say in the Other Place, I have learned to act, live, think differently. When you change the way you look at things...........

And now I am back in France and I am confronted to my former self, with my former and yet current life, with my former and yet so natural foncking habits ;) And hey, what am I suppose to do with that ? How are you supposed to make a cake out of, say, eggplants and maple syrup ? ;)

So the new part in me is me now, as it is the most recent part of me. And this recent part of me is constantly observing the former part of me, saying : "what the fonk do you think you're doing ?", "why are you thinking this way ?", "what sort of a freak are you anyway ?"  lol :D

This is difficult to live with myself right now. So you may say, why don't you just drop your former self ? Go ahead girl, evolve, that's what life is all about.

Well, the answer is, I can't. Or I can't do that so bluntly. Cuz my former self is attached to a former way of being, which is still intimately linked with my current life, my current friends, my current family. And all of it, all of them stayed here, and didn't live the same things, they lived differently while I was at the Other Place. And even the dearest people don't always understand.

So that's why I am not very talkative (well, this article starts being of a certain lenght though ! :p). I am trying to manage myself and myself, I am trying to keep what I have and not to betray what I have become :)

While observing myself, I realized how huge is the influence of the way you were grown, and this for your whole life. The Control Freak syndrom? Well, the more I undergo this change, the more I observe myself and others, the more I can see the part pertaining to the way I was grown (even though I'm sure my parents are completely unaware of it, and above all completely "innocent" -- meaning that it is useless to be angry at them right now).

Wow. It'd be easier to buy a dog, wouldn't it ? ;)

More later guys. I miss you all. I hope I'll find the way, or at least a way. All I'm sure about is that I don't want to go backward. I won't drop it. I'm of a rather stubborn kind :)

But I'm afraid at the same time, cuz when you have an external point of view on your daily life (I would never have been able to achieve that if I hadn't gone far away for a while), you start seeing the sources of stress, of unsatisfaction in your life. And that doesn't always turn out to be what you thought it was !

Major changes ahead, let's not fight, Carrie. Let it go its own way :)